LET'S NOT BE
A DICK TODAY
IAIN DUGUID
PRIME + OUTSIDE AUSTRALIA
More goes to the author on orders of 2+
Let’s Not Be A Dick Today is a comprehensive, but in no way complete guide to handle some of the different types of dicks that surround us.
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You might identify as one or more of the dicks mentioned in this book, and that’s ok! You’re a flawed human! But it doesn’t give you an excuse to be a dick.
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Let’s Not Be A Dick Today will help you to define a particular act of dickery, broach the topic with a dick, and offer self-help for recovery. Or, if you're conflict-avoidant, dog-ear a page (or more) and gift this book to a dick in your life.
PRIME + OUTSIDE AUSTRALIA
More goes to the author on orders of 2+
THE DICKS
THE RE-TARDY
Someone who is tardy again and again.
THE TIME BOMBER
Someone who expects you to help them without warning.
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THE BENCHER
Someone who doesn’t respond to invitations.
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THE MAGICIAN
Someone who disappears.
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THE ORGANISER
An organiser who doesn’t know what’s happening.
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THE INCEPTOR
Someone who expects you to read their mind.
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THE ASSISTANT
Someone who offers assistance but arrives too late to help.
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THE WEDDING PLANNER
A couple that holds their wedding on a weekday.
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THE COMPANION
Someone who chooses next to you over every other free space.
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THE ROCKSTAR
Someone who never considers the parking needs of others.
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THE INTIMIDATOR
Someone who uses intimidation to get their way.
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THE INFLUENCER
Someone who acts as though they are a social media influencer.
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THE QUOTER
Someone who reposts a comment they made.
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THE ANCHOR
Someone who spreads misinformation.
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THE MODEL CITIZEN
Someone who does a good deed and tells everyone.
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THE PYRAMID TEAMER
Someone who wants to help you but it’s a pyramid scheme.
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THE THESPIAN
Someone who is over-dramatic to seek attention.
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THE FISHER
Someone who constantly fishes for compliments.
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THE OVERSHARER
Someone who shares everything on social media.
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THE PROFESSOR
Someone who delivers unsolicited lectures.
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THE BUTTER
Someone who interrupts you in conversation.
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THE SHOULDER JUMPER
Someone who is indecisive, especially with simple decisions.
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THE NO SHO’
Someone who disagrees with every option but won’t contribute.
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THE SEAMUS
Someone who criticises the appearance or choices of others.
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THE DESIGNER
Someone who criticises the clothing choices of others.
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THE LEECH
Someone who sucks away your confidence.
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THE HOLINAYER
Someone who won’t let you enjoy a holiday.
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THE JUDGE
Someone who dismisses suggestions without consideration.
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THE CONVERTER
Someone who tries to convert people, often to a religion.
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THE PLOT WHOLE FILLER
Someone who talks at a vital moment.
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THE FINE WHINER
Someone who complains after receiving a fine.
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THE COMPLAINER
Someone who complains but won’t make improvements.
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THE HOMOPROBE
Someone who makes a big deal of someone coming out.
THE WHATABOUTA
Someone who complains that you’re not doing something else.
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THE SUBMARINER
Someone who shares opinions for social approval.
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THE SOCIAL DICTATOR
Someone who shames others for not being as active as them.
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THE PROTEST PROTESTER
Someone who says your cause isn’t good or far enough.
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THE SOCIALIST JUSTICE WARRIOR
Someone with a great wage who complains about cost of living.
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THE LOVE GOD
Someone who prefers peace and love instead of meanies.
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THE TABLER
Someone who purposely talks about controversial topics.
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THE CHALLENGER
Someone who argues about issues they know nothing about.
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THE GRAMMAR NAZI
Someone who always corrects someone’s grammar.
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THE GRAMMAR NO-ZI
Someone who doesn’t bother to learn basic grammar.
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THE WEEKLY PLANNER
Someone who says “See you next Tuesday”.
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THE CUNTSTABLE
Someone who detests the word “cunt”.
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THE RACONTEUR
Someone who tells others’ stories, but poorly.
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THE FOREIGNER
Someone who speaks with a fake accent to appear interesting.
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THE NEXT GENNER
Someone who uses a younger generation’s slang to sound cool.
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THE NICKNAMER
Someone who uses childish nicknames for adults.
THE CLEANER
Someone who complains the house isn’t clean enough.
​THE LIFTER
Someone who leaves the toilet seat up in a shared bathroom.
THE ROLL ROLLER
Someone who doesn't replace the toilet roll.
THE FRIDGE PACKER
Someone who leaves empty containers in the fridge.
THE CONTRADICTOR
Someone who sets rules but they only apply to you.
THE GATEKEEPER
Someone who must give you permission to use amenities.
THE DICK PIC-ER
Someone who sends unsolicited pictures.
THE WITNESS
Someone who doesn’t respond to time-sensitive communication.
THE P.O.W
Someone who is actively texting then suddenly stops.
THE INTERNET
Someone who is always connected to their phone.
THE PROJECTOR
Someone who talks loudly - especially on the phone.
THE LOUDSPEAKER
Someone who uses the phone’s loudspeaker in public spaces.
THE DICTAPHONE
Someone who leaves long voicemail messages/voice notes.
THE BESTIE
Someone who sends long, emotional messages to acquaintances.
THE TAPPER
Someone who sends multiple messages in a chat.
THE HAGGLER
Someone who barters inappropriately.
THE DISCOUNTER
Someone who always asks for a discount.
THE YAPPER
Someone who continues to talk on the phone when being served.
THE SQUATTER
Someone who speaks to the checkout assistant for too long.
THE RECOMMENDER
Someone who recommends a product they would never buy.
THE TRAINER
Someone who is an expert on a product but asks for assistance.
THE CYCLIST
Someone who is “superior” because they’re a cyclist.
THE BUTTON PUSHER
Someone who pushes the crossing button after they have crossed.
THE ZOMBIE
Someone who walks slowly in front of you.
THE BAG SEAT RIDER
Someone who places their personal belongings on seats.
THE TOOTER
The passenger of a vehicle who reaches over to toot the horn.
THE EARLY BLOWER
Someone who will blow their horn prematurely.
THE BUFFERING GPS
Someone who tells you to turn… back there.
THE PUBLIC MASTICATOR
Someone who chews loudly, with their mouth open, or both.
THE PICKER
Someone who takes the best piece of food first.
THE CRUMB MERCHANT
Someone who doesn’t clean up after eating.
THE ODOURVE
Someone who eats smelly food in public.
THE MENU TWEAKER
Someone whose dietary requirements affect an entire party.
THE FERMENTOR
Someone who doesn’t clean up their pet’s poop in public.
THE PUNCHLINE PUNCHER
Someone who ruins the punchlines of jokes.
THE PRETENTIOUS BOUNCER
A bouncer who enforces higher than necessary standards.
THE DWARF
Someone who buys a smaller drink as part of a shout.
THE STAND-IN
Someone who stands where you were standing.
THE CUTTER
Someone who cuts in a line.
THE FAR QUEUER
Someone who believes they don’t need to join a line.
THE CLIPPER
Someone who trims their toenails in public.
THE SQUIRTER
Someone who applies a heavy amount of perfume.
THE SUPER SPREADER
Someone who doesn’t cover their mouth when coughing.
THE CHIMNEY
Someone who smokes around non-smokers.
THE MATCHFAKER
Someone who says they’ll set up a single friend but doesn’t.
THE EIGHT BALL
Someone who decides your future.
THE SHOWER CURTAIN
Someone who doesn’t respect the personal space of others.
THE RELOCATOR
Someone who makes a family move after settling.
THE BABY MOMMA
Someone who uses baby talk in adult settings.
THE GURU
Someone who tells a parent how to parent.
THE NUN
Someone who disciplines other parents’ kids.
THE BYSTANDER
A parent who watches on instead of doing something/anything.
THE MVP
The parent of a child that is developing faster than yours.
PRIME + OUTSIDE AUSTRALIA
More goes to the author on orders of 2+
WHAT TO EXPECT
FLOWCHART
See if you classify as a certain kind of dick.
IDENTIFY
Learn some of the characteristics of that particular dick.
WHY
Understand why you, and/or the person you've identified are a dick.
INFORM
Discover how you might tell a dick that they are a dick.
CURABILITY
Some dicks are curable, some are not. This section will tell you if rehabilitation is possible.
SELF-HELP
If you're a dick but don't want to be, the Self-Help section offers advice to improve yourself.
PRIME + OUTSIDE AUSTRALIA
More goes to the author on orders of 2+
WHY TWO BUY BUTTONS?
The author earns more on Australian orders when you buy direct
2 BUTTONS
EXPLAINED
When bought via Amazon, they take ~40%.
When you buy direct (AUSTRALIA ONLY), that 40% goes to the author.
LOAD UP ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS!
It's hard to compete with Amazon's shipping fee. Whilst some of the postage cost is absorbed to keep it affordable, the profit redistribution only kicks in on orders of 2+.
This is why the buy direct option is limited to Australia.
If you get free shipping through Amazon, select the Amazon option.
Thanks for thinking about buying Let's Not Be A Dick Today.